Journey Through Divorce

Were your mom and dad happily married? Is your marriage like theirs was?

If you’re having marriage problems, the chances are good that your parents struggled in their marriage too. Research shows that if your parents divorced, then your marriage is more likely to end in divorce as well.

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

Freud documented well the impact that heredity and upbringing has on a person’s fate. We learn “tapes” early-on that we play again and again oblivious to how they control (and destroy) our lives. But does that mean the destiny of your marriage was determined years ago? Does that mean your fate was sealed by your genes and your childhood?

There is no doubt that you have deeply rooted relationship instincts. But those insticts do NOT have you.

Your past constantly vies for control of your future, but at the end of the day YOU have a CHOICE. Your domain is this moment, and every moment, when you can DECIDE to write a new script. At any time, in every time, you can decide to be the master of your destiny; rather than a victim of your past.

This, by the way, is the real value in understanding your past and your childhood roots. So that you can conciously REJECT what you know doesn’t work and replace old habits with new ways.

This, of course, is no simple task. Not only because it’s hard to break old habits and learn new ways, but also because most people are more comfortable doing what’s familiar yet destructive rather than what’s constructive but unfamiliar. In other words, most people are happier doing what they know doesn’t work than they are working on something that they don’t know.

But that’s what it takes to be a “transition person.” A transition person is someone who breaks free from unhealthy relationship patterns that have been in their family for generations. You are by no means a product solely of your heredity or environment. There is a third element: YOUR DECISION. And that trumps ALL past events.

By the way, this, in my opinion, is the real meaning of marriage education… educating someone to acquire the ability to CHOOSE their behavior.

A successful marriage is not something that just happens; you have to craft it. It’s a result of deliberate and conscience decisions to make a new way in your relationship.

If you’re ready to script a new chapter in your marriage and learn how to make a new way in your relationship, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

Do you know whether or not your marriage will make it? I can tell you with near certainty.

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

If you had to pick ONE THING that best predicts whether or not your marriage will succeed, what would you pick?

You might say “conflict.” If you fight a lot, then that’s not a good sign, right? WRONG.

Would you believe that it’s the opposite?! That’s right; research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual AVOIDANCE of conflict. In other words, a couple who does NOT fight is at the greatest risk for divorce.

A couple came to me for private phone sessions and I asked them what was going on in their relationship.

“We never talk,” Kathy said.

“Why not,” I asked.

“Because we realized that that’s when we fight,” she responded.

Isn’t it ironic? We try to avoid conflict with our spouse for the benefit of our relationship. But there’s nothing MORE damaging to your marriage than NOT fighting.

Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is! Hate is close to love. To hate someone, you have to CARE about them.

Did you ever feel hate for your mailman? How about the clerk at the supermarket? You never hated them because you don’t care about them. That’s the opposite of love.

But the closer you are to someone the more likely it is that you step on each other’s toes. Hate is actually a sign of hope. It means you care. It means you’re close. Apathy, on the other hand, is cause for great concern.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advising you to go pick a fight with your spouse. You can’t fight so that you’ll have a good marriage. I didn’t say fighting is healthy. I said people in healthy marriages fight. In other words, the fact that you fight is a sign that deep down you really love each other, that your relationship has potential. But if you want to be happily married, you have to learn to fight WELL.

Successful couples know how to discuss their differences. This is not something that comes naturally to anyone; it’s a learned skill. And once you learn it, all the energy that goes into your fights propels your relationship forward.

EVERY successful couple has areas of disagreement. No two people are perfectly compatible. “Irreconcilable differences” are like a bad knee or a chronic back—they’re part of every good marriage.

The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to fight well with the person you found. You’ll have “irreconcilable differences” with anyone you pick. The question is whether or not you can learn to discuss them.

If you’d like to learn how to discuss them as well as other marriage renewal tips, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

Do you know Aesop’s fable about the goose and the golden eggs?

Let me share it with you and explain how it relates to your marriage.

Hi. This is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

The fable is about a poor farmer who discovers that his goose is laying golden eggs.

At first the farmer thinks it must be a trick. But when he gets the eggs appraised, he learns that they’re pure gold!

The farmer can’t believe it. And he gets even more excited when he realizes that the goose is laying golden eggs EVERYDAY. Eventually, the farmer becomes fabulously wealthy.

But the farmer tires of caring for the goose and waiting day after day for the golden eggs. So he decides to kill the goose and get all the golden eggs at once. But when he opens the goose, there are no golden eggs. And now the goose is gone too.

How does this relate to your marriage?

A good relationship lays many golden eggs: security, companionship, fun, intimacy, just to name a few. In the words of Jerry McGuire, “You complete me.” And that’s exactly how we feel when we’re in a successful marriage… COMPLETE.

But the golden eggs of a marriage are THE RESULT OF tending to the relationship (the goose).

Over time, most people grow tired of caring for their marriage. Most people become selfish and impatient. So they stop extending common courtesies, being sensitive, and thoughtful. They stop giving marriage time and energy. And they treat the person closest to them in a way they would never treat even a stranger on the street.

The amazing thing is that most people’s inappropriate behavior in their marriage is, in their mine, an effort to grab some golden eggs. In other words, people aren’t trying to sabotage their marriage. They’re trying to get what they want. They’re trying to get the golden eggs. But their behavior is killing the goose!

In the beginning of your marriage, your relationship is strong and indestructible. But if you want the goose to keep laying the golden eggs, you’ve got to learn how to take care of it.

It’s easy to fall in love. But maintaining a marriage that lays golden eggs year after year is something very few people know how to do.

But the fact is, it’s not hard. You can do it! You simply have to know how.

Remember the first time you tried to use a computer? Overwhelmed right? “How does this work?” But once someone showed you; from then on it was easy.

Renewing your marriage and maintaining love in your relationship is kind of like learning to use a computer. It seems impossible; until someone shows you how to do it.

Love is NOT a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and excercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictible—you can “make” love.

If you want to learn how to nurse the goose back to health so that it lays those golden eggs again, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

During one of my live seminars, a woman asked me a common question. She said, “How do I know if I married the right person?”

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “It depends. Is that your husband?”

In all serious, how do you know?

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and here’s the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… because it’s happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

And make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are phsyical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and excercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

That’s why I created the Marriage Fitness system. So you would have a step-by-step system for making and maintaining love in your marriage. And the program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it. If you’d like to explore Marriage Fitness risk-free, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach