Journey Through Divorce

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to step on their toes. And being married to someone certainly puts you in close quarters. So the chances are good that you and your spouse have sore feet.

Okay, enough of the smelly metaphor. The point is that it’s NORMAL for you and your spouse to err and for those “misses” to cause hurt… sometimes serious hurt.

Did your spouse hurt you? Have you made mistakes that hurt your spouse?

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

Except in the case of physical abuse, you can “move on” from anything. In fact, your marriage can end up even BETTER!

I know… you’re probably thinking, “Better? How could it be better than before we screwed up?”

It CAN be better, but you have to do one thing first. You have to forgive.

What does it REALLY mean to forgive?

Many people will say “I forgive you,” but continue to harbor anger in their heart. Some people say the words, but it’s obvious from their actions that things are still different.

Other people will say “I forgive you” but what they really mean is, “I don’t want to talk about this. I can’t deal with this. I’m turning you off.” And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they’re not angry, but that’s because they’ve shut down all emotions and refuse to reconnect.

Saying “I forgive you” is an entirely different ball game than truly forgiving.

Look carefully at the word “forgive.” It tells you what it means. “For-Give”… in other words, to GIVE as you did beFORE.

That’s true forgiveness. When you GIVE of yourself like you did beFORE you were hurt, then you know you’ve forgiven. When you stand as close to your spouse as you stood the day your feet got stepped on—that’s forgiveness.

That’s not easy to do. But it is possible. You can forgive each other and move on. And once you forgive, you’ll see that your marriage will be BETTER than it was before. You’ll be happy that the mistake was made (in a strange way) because you’ll realize that you would never have achieved the love you finally did without that mistake as your catalyst.

Did you know that when a broken bone heals, it’s stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be STRONGER than before things broke down before you and your spouse.

Did you ever make love after a big fight? Did you ever think after you made-up, “Hey, this is great? We should fight more often.” (Ha Ha) Sometimes the highest-highs follow the lowest-lows.

But you have to know how to reconcile. You have to know how to get to a place of sincere forgiveness. If you want to achieve that and if you want to learn how to renew your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

By: Mort Fertel

About 100 years ago I played on my high school baseball team (okay, I’m exaggerating a little, but it feels like 100 years). Anyway, there was a pitcher who had a nasty curve ball. It was the best curve ball in the league. But it was actually easy to hit. Why? Because you knew it was coming.

The pitcher who threw this amazing curve ball did something different in his wind-up when he threw the curve. So you expected it, which made it easy to hit.

There are certain signs in a marriage that “curve balls” are coming. I call them, “Famous Last Words.” If you hear (or say) any of the following, look out!

“We’re just friends.”

“I only read it for the articles.”

“It only happened once, honestly!”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“It was a wrong number.”

“I can stop anytime I want.”

“I found it at work.” (referring to a new piece of jewelry)

“I have a headache.” (for the 10th time)

“I’m tired.” (for the 10th time)

“What other bank account?”

If you’re reading this article, you can probably add to the above list. In fact, feel free to add a comment with your contribution to my “Famous Last Words” list.

But most importantly, I don’t want your last words to be, “I should have gotten help.”

The above are not really LAST words; they’re WARNING words. They’re signs that a “curve ball” is coming. If you prepare, if you TAKE ACTION, you can maintain your marriage. If you ignore the signs and do nothing, they may be famous LAST words.

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If your spouse won’t do the boot camp with you; no problem. I designed a special track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp for people dealing with obstinate spouses. It’s called the Lone Ranger Track. For more information, CLICK HERE.

I want to point out that this is a TELE boot camp. You don’t have to go anywhere. You can do it from your home or office and all you need is a telephone. If you want the details, CLICK HERE.

The bottom line is this: The Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp is the most economically-efficient way to get an enormous amount of support, guidance, and counsel and it’s completely guaranteed. As I write this article, I’m in the midst of working with a group that is in their last week of a Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. I can’t tell you the warmth it brings to my heart to hear from them how the boot camp helped transform their marriage situation. I’d like to give that same gift to you. Be good to yourself, register now for the boot camp: CLICK HERE.

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One of the questions I’m most frequently asked is, “How do you know when it’s time to quit?”

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author or Marriage Fitness, and in terms of when to give up on your marriage, here’s what I recommend.

If divorcing is a consideration for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for at least one year.

Did you hear that?

Try for at least one year!

And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull the trigger, it’s over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.

If you end your marriage, you don’t want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don’t ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don’t want to ask yourself, “What if this… and what if that… what if I tried this… what if I did that?”

If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.

If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy “completion.” THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it’s an investment in the rest of your life.

Here’s the key point. Listen carefully. It’s a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it’s a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don’t, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching “completion” in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else.

The work I do with marriage coaching clients sometimes turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one.

I remember once when the marriage of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said, “Absolutely.”

He responded, “Why? What’s the point? My marriage is over.”

“You’re not doing it for this marriage,” I explained. “you’re doing it for the benefit of your next one.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that your intention while you’re working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your interntion needs to be to restore your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for naught.

Bottom line is this. If you’re asking, “When is it time to call it quits?” The answer is: one year after you think you’re done. If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you’re still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don’t give up.

This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from “done.” Who would have ever thought we could turn things around at that point?

It’s NEVER too late! In fact (and here’s real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it’s not until things couldn’t get worse that they can get better.

I wish you and your spouse the best. If you’d like further information to help with your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

By: Mort Fertel

Do you think a lot about your marriage? Is that an understatement? Is OBSESS more like it?

If you have marriage problems, you probably spend a lot of time and energy THINKING about your circumstances. You’ve probably analyzed your spouse, your marriage, and what happened to your relationship from every possible angle.

And the chances are good that others have weighed-in on your situation too. Have you discussed your problems with a friend, a family member, or a counselor?

An astute analysis of your relationship can be helpful. It sometimes leads to problem-solving ideas that work.

Talking about your situation can be helpful too. Most people find it therapeutic.

But sometimes the problem with thinking and talking about your marriage so much is that it becomes a substitute for DOING SOMETHING. Analyzing your marriage can be productive, but if you want change, there’s nothing like taking ACTION.

I once did a series of private phone sessions for someone who had been in therapy for over a year. In our first session, I asked what changes she and her husband implemented since beginning therpay. She said, “Well, no real changes. But I understand our problems much better.”

I call that “analysis paralysis.”

The great philosopher Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” This is very true. But the unlived life is not worth examining!

THOUGHT and ACTION are like husband and wife. If you’re missing one, you can’t have a marriage.

Rigorous thinking gives direction to intelligent action. And action gives critical feedback for further thought. Ultimately, it’s the combination of the two that leads to clarity and a changed marriage.

Love is articulated in the vocabulary of ACTION. New thoughts and new words are useful when they inspire you to DEMONSTRATE new behavior.

If you’re ready to think differently about your marriage and act in a way that will create demonstrative change in your relationship, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 SECRETS to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s free.

Many people think the goal of life is to be happy. I don’t think so.

Have you ever been to a funeral? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to be sad. Did you ever take the SAT’s, the MCAT’s, or any other important entrance test? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time for intensity. Have you ever waited for test results from a medical exam? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to worry. Have you ever encountered a lot of turbulence on an airplane? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to be scared.

The goal of life is NOT to be happy. The goal of life is to know what time it is.

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

“Everything has its season. And there is a time for everything under the heaven.”
“A time to be born and a time to die.”
“A time to weep and time to laugh.”
“A time to wait and time to dance.”
“A time to rend and time to mend.”
“A time to be silent and a time to speak.”
“A time to love and a time to hate.”
“A time for war and a time for peace.”

What time is it for you?

If you’re reading this, then maybe it’s time to renew your marriage. If so, then subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach