It is hard to believe my life changed forever nearly 5 years ago. This is not going to be my annual check in but a new song by Mercy Me has come out and it has made such an impact on me that I just can’t wait for June to share it.
Most of you have traveled with me on this journey over the past 5 years. To be honest, I’m surprised I’ve made it this far. I remember distinctly not wanting to make it through a single day. Then I had convinced myself that there was no way I would make it a year. It was not something I even thought about, I lived my life as if the end was around the corner. I couldn’t handle the thought of living a life without Jon so it just seemed natural that I wouldn’t. Making it past that first year was huge. I remember thinking Now What? That is when I began accepting that my life was not in my control and just because Jon’s life on earth was over, I was still here, breathing. And after awhile, with a lot of love from friends & family and counseling, I began to live forward again.
Through the years I have continued to struggle with many things. And to be honest, my spiritual life was at the top of the list. Nothing has ever shook my faith to the core as loosing Jon did. And being raised in a Christian home with my life surrounded by strong Christians I did my best to pretend everything was ok. It was never that I didn’t believe God was real but to trust Him with my heart again, that is where I couldn’t get. One of the most profound pieces in finding my way back into His arms of love was through my counselor. She had known me for over 15 years and had helped me through my divorce, remarriage, step family living and raising teenage children. So she really knew “me”, the good, the bad and even the ugly. But she ever wavered, she knew I would find my way back in my own time. She was never panicked or concerned about the Spiritual condition of my heart and the endless questions of Why’s I carried with me every day. She just walked with me through it and allowed me to find my own way back, in my own time. For that, I owe her so much. Thank you “my Maggie”.
And now almost 5 years later, I’ve made it. It’s been a journey, it’s been a struggle and I can recall many significant twists on the way. All my there have been 2 promises I used to take as simple truths; God is good, ALL the time and It is well with my soul. To be completely honest, these 2 promises have become the two things that I had decided I could just overlook and life would be just fine. But in my journey this past year I have come to chew on these 2 promises again and have found a new, deeper meaning to what they mean in my life.
Will I ever understand the reasons why? The timing of when? The pick of who? The reasoning’s on how? No absolutely not. But God is much bigger than that. And my relationship with Him is much deeper than that. Do I wish things were different? Absolutely. But God knows and that’s all I need to trust. Will He ever let pain hurt me again? Probably. Loosing Mar taught me that. Everything I love is changing. Everything I hold on to so tightly is just dust in the wind. Am I ok with that? No not really but God is bigger than I can ever imagine. And that is the only thing that is constant, the only thing that I can truly trust. Even with my heart? Yes, because His heart hurts even more when my heart hurts. Someone who loves me that much is worth trusting.
So please listen to this song.
I know You’re able and I know You can. But even if You don’t my hope is You alone. I know the sorrow and I know the hurt. Would all go away if You just say the word. But even if You don’t. my hope is You alone.
You’ve been faithful, you’ve been good, all my days. Jesus I will cling to You come what may. Because I know your able, I know you can.
It is well, with my soul.