Journey Through Divorce

If you’re reading an article about how to improve your marriage, you’re probably expecting to learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!

The key to renewing your marriage is none of those things.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it!

Hi, my name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me marriage renewal is very personal. I’d like to share with you my story.

My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connection? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was just one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but things just aren’t the same, right?

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we didn’t want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. We went through different stages of “trying.”

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, “Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly.” We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

All the advice we got (books, counselors, CD’s, whatever) asked us to face our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

Then we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS and try to CONNECT with each other.

We used “POSITIVE relationship excercises” that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences, we feel in love again! And we did it—not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were)—but by establishing HEALTHY HABITS that brought positive energy to our relationship.

This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and SPEND YOUR TIME AND ENERGY building your relationship through POSITIVE ACTIONS.

It’s counter intuitive, but if you stregthen your relationship, most of your problems will dissipate and what remains of them can be more easily resolevd in a safer, softer, and more forgiving marital environment.

Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with each other.

If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. If your timing is off, trying to solve problems with your spouse will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you’ll ever find resolution.

If you have lower-back problems, sometimes the solution is to do sit-ups. Strengthening one part of your body can heal another. You marriage works in a similar way.

Now you can see why my system for relationship renewal, Marriage Fitness, is fundamentally different from any other approach to relationship success. It’s not about conflict-resolution or communications skills because these are NOT the key to renewing a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.

And there are, in fact, specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to make things right in your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and excercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

Marriage Fitness offers you a step-by-step system to make and maintain love in your marriage. The program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it. And the best news is that you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling, it’s Marriage Fitness.

CLICK HERE to receive the FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage,” a FREE confidential marriage assessment, and FREE information about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

Are you hurting? Has your spouse neglected you? Rejected you? Emotionally abused you?

Are you struggling to get over the pain of an affair?

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness. If you’re having marital trouble, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you.

It’s one of the most common questions I get. “Mort, I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?”

Here’s the key.

The first step is to realize what you’re REALLY trying to accomplish. What does it REALLY mean to get over the past?

You can’t change what happened. There’s no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. What’s done is done.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that your situation is hopeless. What I’m saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change. You CAN get over your past (as I’ll explain). But you can NOT change events that already occurred.

The good news though is that you don’t have to change the past in order to get over it. What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.

Think for a moment. Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, “Why is this happening to me?” But then a few years later you looked back and you answered that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it wasn’t so bad.

In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!

It’s the events the FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. In other words, it’s your future that determines your past; not the other way around. And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU determine the meaning of your past.

It’s interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question: Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.

It’s like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get dealt. It’s predetermined.

But you also get to play that hand. You also have free choice.

Ultimately, it’s the COMBINATION of the hand you’re dealt and the way you play it that determines the outcome. And it’s the outcome that shapes your view of the original hand you were dealt.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Bible, but it’s interesting to note that in Chapter 1 of Genesis, God says, “Let US make man in our image.” Look at that verse again: “Let US make man in our image.” Who is “us?” Who is God talking to? There wasn’t anyone created yet.

The answer is: God is talking to US. He’s talking to me. He’s talking to YOU. And He’s saying that YOU are partners with Him in the creation of your life.

God deals you a hand. There’s nothing you can do to change that. But you get to play that hand. You get to respond to the events of your life. And it’s your response, your actions in the future, which determine the meaning of the events in your past.

So how do you get over the past? You don’t have to get over the past. The past is over! What’s important is the MEANING the past has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in the future.

The people I know who have the best marriages are people who went through hell in their relationship. They “got over” their past beacuse they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation. In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage. And many people I know began this process WITHOUT their spouse.

If you make the right moves, you will come to view certain events as birth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage. THAT’S how you “get over” the past.

It’s strange how life works sometimes, but if you play your hand right, your hurts become part of your healing. And, in fact, when it comes to relationships, it’s usually bad times that awaken people to search for new ways.

I know you’re hurting. But if you’ll allow me to show you how to rebuild your marriage, show you new ways, your hurt will heal. I can’t make the past go away. But I can help you give it a new meaning. Then, you’ll be “over it.” And you’ll have a GOOD answer to the question: Why did this happen to me?

If you’d like further information to help with your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

In your quest to fix your marriage, you may encounter resistance—from your spouse!

Your spouse may dweel on the 101 reasons why “this just won’t work for us” and blame you for every one.

Or, your spouse may be emotionally “checked-out” of the marriage and not care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their own.

This is, by far, the most common question people ask me: “How do I get my spouse to change?”

Why would your spouse resist POSITIVE change in your marriage and what should you do about it?

Hi, I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

There’s a deep-seeded belief in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to change? If you look closely at human nature, it’s not change itself we resist; it’s change that’s IMPOSED UPON US.

Think about it. We have no problem with change that WE INITIATE ourselves. But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist WITH ALL OUR MIGHT.

Your spouse may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that’s not because your spouse doesn’t want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It’s because if they’re going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA!!!!

I promise you; your spouse will decide to change when they’re ready to change and not one second before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it’s hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them.

It’s possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to get through to your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse than anything YOU could do.

Mary Ellen (name changed) came to me for marriage coaching. She knew she had to make changes and came to our sessions with a genuine interest to improve her marriage. She wanted Tom (her husband) to be part of the process, but he wasn’t willing to join her. She had been asking him to go with her to get help for over a year. But Tom consistently refused.

I met with Mary Ellen twice and convinced her to back-off Tom and just let him be for a while. I counseled her to make some changes that created a more positive energy in their relationship. When the time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen ask Tom if he would be willing to speak with ME for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen’s timing was good. Tom agreed.

Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he agreed to join Mary Ellen in marriage coaching sessions.

Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn’t get him to in over a year? It’s true I know how to handle these situations, but there were 2 other important factors:

1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellent had backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space to make his own choice.

2. The inspiration came from someone other than his wife.

Your effort to change your spouse is probably COUNTER productive. The chances are good that you’re “in the way.” You need to get out of the way and create the space for your spouse to CHOOSE to change. That’s the only way it’ll ever happen.

I can’t tell you how many times a spouse will say to me that their husband or wife changed for a few days, but then returned to their old ways. That’s because they never really decided to change. They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn’t stick.

If you tell your spouse what to do; it’s a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it’s a great idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That’s the only way it’ll make a difference long term in your marriage.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Make sense, but isn’t there anything I can do to encourage my spouse’s choice?” YES, there is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your spouse see how the choices YOU’RE making impact how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.

Resist the urge to believe that your marriage won’t change until your spouse “gets with the program.” The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your spouse does for it.

We tend to think that the love in our marriage is in our spouse’s hands. But it’s not. Love is a verb. And if we do it—if we love—then we feel love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.

Consider the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because they’re such angels? Of course not. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

Furthermore, there’s no better way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make that choice yourself.

It happens quite often that one spouse will register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp in the “Lone Ranger” track and then half way through the program they will switch to the “Duo” track which is designed for couples participating TOGETHER. What caused their spouse to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First, they learned to create a space in their relationship for their spouse to make a choice to change. Second, they showed their spouse, through their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and the impact it could have on their marriage.

Very often one spouse will come to me for marriage coaching and ask if it makes sense for them to be coached alone. The answer, is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse can make more than a 50% difference in a marriage. And that difference is often exactly what will get the other spouse to open up to marriage coaching too.

“You can lead me a mile, but you can’t push me an inch.”

So, bottom line… as Mahatma Gandhi said, “you must be the change you wish to see…” It’s YOUR changing that has the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it’s YOU changing that is the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change.

If you’re ready to learn what changes you need to make in your marriage and if you want to learn how to inspire your spouse to begin to make changes too, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Mariage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

I came across this quote today and wanted to share it with you. You may find that it relates to your marital situation.

“The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.” - Peter Devries

Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.

“Personality” is easy to understand. Your “personality” is how people experience you. It’s your public persona.

But what is “character?” And why is “character” so crucial in your marriage?

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time.

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other’s PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I’m not saying you tricked each other. It’s just your personality… how you display yourself to others.

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that’s when you meet for the first time… again!

You and your spouse don’t meet the person who chargmed each other’s friends, bought gifts for each other’s parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it’s a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, it’s not only that you’re meeting each other for the first time, but it’s that you’re meeting YOURSELVES for the first time.

Most people wouldn’t be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people don’t recognize their own behavior. “I’m just not myself with him/her.” Well then who is that person? That’s YOU… it’s your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don’t like their spouse. It’s that they don’t like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their chracter. And most people don’t like what they see.

Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be themselves. (Did you get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows:

“You are as much a person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.”

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.

Many people who apply the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal tell me that it’s not only restored their marriage, but it was a personal fixing for them too. If you’d like to explore that risk-free, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

Were your mom and dad happily married? Is your marriage like theirs was?

If you’re having marriage problems, the chances are good that your parents struggled in their marriage too. Research shows that if your parents divorced, then your marriage is more likely to end in divorce as well.

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

Freud documented well the impact that heredity and upbringing has on a person’s fate. We learn “tapes” early-on that we play again and again oblivious to how they control (and destroy) our lives. But does that mean the destiny of your marriage was determined years ago? Does that mean your fate was sealed by your genes and your childhood?

There is no doubt that you have deeply rooted relationship instincts. But those insticts do NOT have you.

Your past constantly vies for control of your future, but at the end of the day YOU have a CHOICE. Your domain is this moment, and every moment, when you can DECIDE to write a new script. At any time, in every time, you can decide to be the master of your destiny; rather than a victim of your past.

This, by the way, is the real value in understanding your past and your childhood roots. So that you can conciously REJECT what you know doesn’t work and replace old habits with new ways.

This, of course, is no simple task. Not only because it’s hard to break old habits and learn new ways, but also because most people are more comfortable doing what’s familiar yet destructive rather than what’s constructive but unfamiliar. In other words, most people are happier doing what they know doesn’t work than they are working on something that they don’t know.

But that’s what it takes to be a “transition person.” A transition person is someone who breaks free from unhealthy relationship patterns that have been in their family for generations. You are by no means a product solely of your heredity or environment. There is a third element: YOUR DECISION. And that trumps ALL past events.

By the way, this, in my opinion, is the real meaning of marriage education… educating someone to acquire the ability to CHOOSE their behavior.

A successful marriage is not something that just happens; you have to craft it. It’s a result of deliberate and conscience decisions to make a new way in your relationship.

If you’re ready to script a new chapter in your marriage and learn how to make a new way in your relationship, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

Do you know whether or not your marriage will make it? I can tell you with near certainty.

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

If you had to pick ONE THING that best predicts whether or not your marriage will succeed, what would you pick?

You might say “conflict.” If you fight a lot, then that’s not a good sign, right? WRONG.

Would you believe that it’s the opposite?! That’s right; research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual AVOIDANCE of conflict. In other words, a couple who does NOT fight is at the greatest risk for divorce.

A couple came to me for private phone sessions and I asked them what was going on in their relationship.

“We never talk,” Kathy said.

“Why not,” I asked.

“Because we realized that that’s when we fight,” she responded.

Isn’t it ironic? We try to avoid conflict with our spouse for the benefit of our relationship. But there’s nothing MORE damaging to your marriage than NOT fighting.

Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is! Hate is close to love. To hate someone, you have to CARE about them.

Did you ever feel hate for your mailman? How about the clerk at the supermarket? You never hated them because you don’t care about them. That’s the opposite of love.

But the closer you are to someone the more likely it is that you step on each other’s toes. Hate is actually a sign of hope. It means you care. It means you’re close. Apathy, on the other hand, is cause for great concern.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advising you to go pick a fight with your spouse. You can’t fight so that you’ll have a good marriage. I didn’t say fighting is healthy. I said people in healthy marriages fight. In other words, the fact that you fight is a sign that deep down you really love each other, that your relationship has potential. But if you want to be happily married, you have to learn to fight WELL.

Successful couples know how to discuss their differences. This is not something that comes naturally to anyone; it’s a learned skill. And once you learn it, all the energy that goes into your fights propels your relationship forward.

EVERY successful couple has areas of disagreement. No two people are perfectly compatible. “Irreconcilable differences” are like a bad knee or a chronic back—they’re part of every good marriage.

The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to fight well with the person you found. You’ll have “irreconcilable differences” with anyone you pick. The question is whether or not you can learn to discuss them.

If you’d like to learn how to discuss them as well as other marriage renewal tips, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

Do you know Aesop’s fable about the goose and the golden eggs?

Let me share it with you and explain how it relates to your marriage.

Hi. This is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

The fable is about a poor farmer who discovers that his goose is laying golden eggs.

At first the farmer thinks it must be a trick. But when he gets the eggs appraised, he learns that they’re pure gold!

The farmer can’t believe it. And he gets even more excited when he realizes that the goose is laying golden eggs EVERYDAY. Eventually, the farmer becomes fabulously wealthy.

But the farmer tires of caring for the goose and waiting day after day for the golden eggs. So he decides to kill the goose and get all the golden eggs at once. But when he opens the goose, there are no golden eggs. And now the goose is gone too.

How does this relate to your marriage?

A good relationship lays many golden eggs: security, companionship, fun, intimacy, just to name a few. In the words of Jerry McGuire, “You complete me.” And that’s exactly how we feel when we’re in a successful marriage… COMPLETE.

But the golden eggs of a marriage are THE RESULT OF tending to the relationship (the goose).

Over time, most people grow tired of caring for their marriage. Most people become selfish and impatient. So they stop extending common courtesies, being sensitive, and thoughtful. They stop giving marriage time and energy. And they treat the person closest to them in a way they would never treat even a stranger on the street.

The amazing thing is that most people’s inappropriate behavior in their marriage is, in their mine, an effort to grab some golden eggs. In other words, people aren’t trying to sabotage their marriage. They’re trying to get what they want. They’re trying to get the golden eggs. But their behavior is killing the goose!

In the beginning of your marriage, your relationship is strong and indestructible. But if you want the goose to keep laying the golden eggs, you’ve got to learn how to take care of it.

It’s easy to fall in love. But maintaining a marriage that lays golden eggs year after year is something very few people know how to do.

But the fact is, it’s not hard. You can do it! You simply have to know how.

Remember the first time you tried to use a computer? Overwhelmed right? “How does this work?” But once someone showed you; from then on it was easy.

Renewing your marriage and maintaining love in your relationship is kind of like learning to use a computer. It seems impossible; until someone shows you how to do it.

Love is NOT a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and excercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictible—you can “make” love.

If you want to learn how to nurse the goose back to health so that it lays those golden eggs again, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

During one of my live seminars, a woman asked me a common question. She said, “How do I know if I married the right person?”

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “It depends. Is that your husband?”

In all serious, how do you know?

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and here’s the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… because it’s happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

And make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are phsyical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and excercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

That’s why I created the Marriage Fitness system. So you would have a step-by-step system for making and maintaining love in your marriage. And the program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it. If you’d like to explore Marriage Fitness risk-free, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

By Mort Fertel

Are you depressed? Is your spouse depressed? Do one of you THINK the other is depressed?

I recently had a series of phone sessions with a woman named Regina (name changed) who lives in Canada. I asked Regina what her husband thinks is the problem with their marriage. She explained, “Ted says that the problem with our marriage is that I’m depressed. He thinks if I wasn’t depressed, we’d be fine. And so it’s up to me.”

It IS common for depression to accompany marital strife. But what causes one spouse to be depressed?

We usually think of depression as an affliction caused by an INDIVIDUAL’S mental state. But, as is often the case, the problem is the way we see the problem.

In marriage, although depression is something that may afflect only one spouse; it’s usually caused by BOTH spouses. In order to understand what I mean, let’s consider whta it REALLY means to be depressed.

The dictionary definition of “depressed” is: “to press down” or “cause to sink.”

And, in fact, a depressed person feels that someone or something is PRESSING DOWN on them and not allowing for the relief they seek.

Regina’s husband had good reason to think that Regina was depressed. She threatened suicide, had the habit of breaking $200 china against the $5000 breakfront, sometimes cut the laundry with scissors rather than folding it neatly, and would break down in tears for no apparant reason. The interesting thing is (are you ready?): Regina ONLY did these things in front of her husband!

No one other than her husband ever heard Regina threaten suicide or see her break down in tears. Her husband never came home to find china pieces or shredded laundry on the floor. It ALL happened in front of him! And (listen carefully and try to put the pieces together), it always happened after they talked.

There’s much more to Regina’s circumstances, but here’s the bottom line. Regina was desperate for her husband’s attention. She wanted to make an EMOTIONAL connection. She wanted him to be part of her inner life. But Ted couldn’t connect with Regina. He didn’t know how to make her feel understood. He didn’t know how to treat her special, different than everyone else in his life. Ted wasn’t a bad person. He didn’t do anything wrong. He rarely got upset. But he was very controlled and detached. And so Regina had all this emotion PRESSED DOWN inside her but no one to share it with. Ted was there, but emotionally unavailable.

Regina’s outbursts were her way of trying to get Ted’s attention. She just wanted him to care about her and what she did. So she did things he simply couldn’t ignore. Of course, this is not really the kind of attention Regina really wanted. But she was frustrated and was trying to release what was PRESSED inside her.

When one person in a marriage is depressed, it’s usually caused by a marital dynamic between BOTH spouses. And the solution i susually a MARITAL solution not an individual one.

If oyu or your spouse feels depressed, you should explore how your relationship might be causing the depression. As much as one of you might want the other to get INDIVIDUAL help, it could be that it’s your MARRIAGE that needs attention.

Mort Fertel can show you how to release what’s PRESSED inside you and/or your spouse in a way that works for your relationship. Learn more about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal by subscribing to Mort Fertel’s FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and getting a FREE marriage assesment. Click here to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Have you ever been to a winery?

Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be one of those grapes? Really… play along with me here for a moment.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be plucked, pushed, crushed, pressed, skinned, and fermented? OUCH! The pain! What’s the point of it all?

A lot of people feel that way about the pain they experience in their marriage. “Why am I doing this? Where is this relationship going?”

But just as a grape goes through a difficult process before it becomes a fine wine, sometimes our marriage has to go through a painful process before it matures.

The people who have the best marriages are NOT people who grew up well-adjusted, have healthy adult lives, and normal parents. People like that usually have OKAY marriages.

The BEST marriages are with couples who were curshed, who went through a painful process, and who built their relationship from the ruins of broken hearts.

There’s an ancient song by King David, “Those who sow in tears will reap harvest in glad song.”

And so it is that pain is often the preview to pleasure. Any woman who has experienced child birth can testify to this truth.

In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when the couple hits rock bottom. It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.

But the turnaround marriage is NOT automatic. Just because you hit bottom, does NOT mean you’ll bounce back. If you don’t make it happen, you’ll just crash. In order to turn your marriage around, you have to take RESPONSIBILITY.

What does it REALLY mean to be responsible? A person who is responsible has the ABILITY to RESPOND. In other words, if you take response-ability for your marriage, then your marriage is not determined solely by what happens; it’s also determined by how you RESPOND to what happens.

A responsible person is not a victim to their circumstances. They are the master of their fate. How you respond to your marital circumstances today WILL determine your martial circumstances tomorrow. YOUR actions create your marriage. You can turn sour grapes into a fine wine.

If you know how to do this, then do it now. If you need help, then USE ME. I can help you. Years ago my marriage was hours from “done.” I turned it around and I can show you how too. I’ve helped thousands of marriages. Have you seen the miracle stories on my web site?

Making a relationship work is not mystical. Love is NOT a mystery. You don’t have to be “lucky in love.” You can “make love.” You just have to know the recipe.

If you want to learn more about how I can help you, subscribe to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get my FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach