Yep, I did it. I jumped off that ledge of life and took another plunge in the wedding bucket of life. Loren and I got married on March 19th in St. Petersburg Beach along with 48 close friends and family. It was a day I never thought would happen.
For those of you who have not been following my blogs, my soul mate passed away unexpectedly almost 4 years ago. For the past 3 years I never felt I would feel this way again, and I was ok with that. You see, when Jon went home (Heaven) a huge part of me went with him. I could not imagine living life without him. I felt stuck in this body here on earth while my soul was in heaven. My heart ached so much until I couldn’t ache no more, then the numbness settled in. This was the loneliest time I have ever felt. I didn’t want to be with anyone, talk to anyone, do anything, I just “existed”. The hurt was so all consuming. It was a very scary time for all of us, especially my children.
Then a short 18 months later I gave my best friend, my life line, to Jesus. She had been in a very bad car accident and we had to decide what kind of life she would want to live. When we escorted her to heaven I know Jon was there to welcome her with his great big smile and awesome bear hugs. Oh how I wanted to be her. But I was still on earth trying to make sense out of all the pain. I clung to anything and everything that would make me feel close to them. This gaping hole in my heart would never be whole again.
That is when Loren came into my life. He was a close friend back to my high school years. The timing was perfect, I needed a friend and someone to help me find my smile again. We rekindled a beautiful friendship and I began to notice I was laughing again. After a few months, a decision needed to be made. I either had to open my heart to love again or stay cuddled up in my corner of fear and pain. Loren was very patient as I began to let go of the pain and start to live again. If the pain of deciding if I could love again wasn’t bad enough, the fear of loosing a loved one again was almost too much to risk. But God continued to soften me and I began to take steps away from the pain and into life again. I can’t say it has always been an easy journey, but I can say that with each step I took, the fear would lesson and the pain would soften.
This process continued for a year and a half until Loren took his leap of faith and asked me to marry him. I did not hesitate as I knew how far I had come and knew that Jon would not want me to quit now, he would want me to find love and happiness again. So this new journey has begun.
Am I there yet? Absolutely not! I continue to put one step in front of the other as I discover a new life, a life without my soul mate. Is it what I planned, no. Is it what I wanted, no. But happiness comes in a lot of different ways. It’s a different life. But then it should be. Not better, not worse, just different. God and Jon knew what it would take to get me to live again, only the comfort of an old friend from the past who I trusted and respected. And God knew I needed a patient man as I continue on this new journey in life. And I truly believe Loren is a one of a kind. He is the most patient, loving and caring person I know.
Am I blessed? I can finally say with assuredly, YES! To have been loved by someone the way Jon loved me doesn’t come often. But for me, I found it twice. How rare is that. People always told me God would make good out of a something Satan meant to destroy. I had a hard time believing that. But today I can say I am a living example of how God can take a horribly painful situation and still bring good and happiness to those who trust Him. How grateful I am for all the prayers who held me up when I did not have the strength to do it myself. Your faith has given me new life. And for that I am eternally grateful.
